Chapter 16: Didn’t mean to hurt you, but you did, didn’t you?…

A week went by, and nothing. Wait, were you waiting for or expecting something major to happen? Ppff I wasn’t! Too many dramas for you honey go read a mabelleutopia blog or something! Can you picture me anxiously waiting by the phone, confused about whether or not I wanted him to call me back and put me out of my self-imposed misery? Sorry, not moi, I am so not that girl.. Can you imagine? THAT would be pathetic and quite hypocritical I might add. I am happily involved thank you very much!

Alright, I’m lying… Wow. I am getting better at this, actually acknowledging my true feelings. Breakthrough! Finally. I’ll make sure to send some flowers to my therapist, she’ll be pleased. Pleased indeed.  The truth is for the past seven days, three hours and 45 minutes per my owl alarm clock, which was currently staring back at me with such disapproval, I’ve been in a state of…how do I put this? You know that burning feeling you get deep down in the pit of your stomach, and I’m not talking about hunger, I know the difference trust me.. No that dull ache, a clear warning sign that something huge is about to happen, something you are not quite ready for, something that might change everything if you let it. Then again by the same token you know you’re hopeless, that it isn’t really a choice but a compulsion so you just wait and hope for the best. No bloodshed, limited casualties and a few Ave Marias that’s what I’d be praying for. Pray for me too, pray for my stupid soul. Because my head tried to reason with me but my heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing…Ok I stole this from Blaise Pascal but I’m sure you catch my drift.

The sad thing was those seven days went by and I remained the same, unchanged…In His eyes. But I knew better…The same loving, caring lover He’d come to know and cherish. He adores me. I adore Him more. I catch him sometimes stealing a glance at me, here and there, His eyes, illuminated, so full of love and never ending amazing promises making my heart ache.  He’d smile and nothing else mattered but Him. Such a sweet soul. Until He’d go and the fog would move in, clouding my judgment, letting in a few ghosts some with long hair, others with tight pants and forest green trench coats, all holding a guitar. I don’t deserve him. I really don’t. Especially in these past seven days, 4 hours and 7 minutes. Damn it! Welcome back insomnia, I’ve missed you so. Not!

Somewhere around 6 am, I began to doze off.  So glad it’s Sunday today..

*phone rings* From under the covers, half asleep, I reached for it finding it on my nightstand.

“Hello, I’m sorry babe I forgot to call…” I managed to say.

“It’s been a while since I’ve heard you say those words to me, I like it, I’ve missed it..” Who?

” Who is this?” I knew perfectly well who  it was. My whole being recognized him and responded to the silky sound of his voice. Treacherous flesh! “You have the wrong number” I croaked. Before I could hang up he let out a sight and whispered in an exasperated tone..

“Really..who is this?? Are you serious. Is that what we’ve become?” The nerve!

“Excuse me?? You have no right to talk to me like that! Yeah who IS this?! In case you’ve forgotten we’ve been strangers for quite a while so stop with your tired routine of resurfacing whenever you see fit. I don’t have time for this. Since I have manners unlike some people I know I’m informing you that I am hanging up now” with that I thumbed the end call icon. Aaargghhh!

The phone rang and rang again. I guess the smart and logical thing to do would’ve been to turn it off but I knew better. When he’s that determined, there is no stopping him. And I’d hate for him to call back at a less opportune time if you know what I mean…

“What do you want…say it and please leave me alone..” I was exhausted and the battle had yet to begin.

“Coffee. You know where. In an hour? ok two.” How kind!

“Hummm. No. Thanks for calling though.” Delusional much? What a lunatic! As if..

“I’ll keep calling…” 

“Are you threatening me? You have no respect…In case you’ve intentionally forgotten I’m..”

“Trust me I didn’t. You sure were fast to claim him…No elaborated schemes to keep it “hidden” so to speak. Anyways not my problem You figure it out. He disrespected me first..”

“Say one word about him!..” Why am I even entertaining this?

“Woah chillax! ok I apologize. Please. I’m asking for one coffee not a lifetime commitment. We all know I am terrible  at that..One. New year, new resolution, bridges and water, whichever way the saying goes, I’m just trying to clear the air that’s all. We’ve meant a lot to each other for many years, it just isn’t healthy to hold grudges and such. I’m waving the white flag. Please…” 

“I’m not holding any grudges, I am good, I wish you all the best, really.” Not going there. No sir! I know Curiosity and I will not allow her to “kill” me or my relationship.

“Ok. I get it, you still have feelings for me…I understand it could be awkward.” Reverse psychology? I won’t fall for that. On second thoughts wouldn’t this be the best way to put an end to all of this?

“Two hours. One coffee. then farewell, got it?” He mumbled something I didn’t care to understand.  I could just heard him smile through the phone. Ugh!

I quickly freshened up. Avoided getting dolled up because we wouldn’t want to give him the wrong impression, would we?! Then I phoned Him. I told Him who I was meeting up with and why. How did He take it? Beyond well. Always so calm and rational, a nice counterbalance I desperately needed in my life. Lies and healthy relationships don’t mix. I did tell him that this rendez-vous of sorts means absolutely nothing to me. So why is my heart galloping across my chest?

Beanie, RayBan eyewear, check. Burberry scarf, Cole Haan camel cape coat over super warm long sleeve tee and leggings, triple check. And last but not least RL classics riding boots. Damn! I am one cute chick if I do say so myself. #swagg Ready or not, I began my short but brisk walk to the place I feared I would lose my pitiful soul again. The wind was blowing…The air was dry but refreshing. The kind that knocks some sense into you, keeping you alert and sharp. I needed that. Alertness. Enough not to fall again for a merchant of dreams. Why was I so shaken? Up until now I was so secure in my relationship. It took but two phone calls?? I’m better than this. We are better than this. Shaking my head, I tried to empty my mind. Too much over thinking I needed to stop. I took in my surroundings and exhaled. Looking at the leafless trees I couldn’t help but think how in spite of the warm attire I was sporting today I still dreaded how I always feel “exposed” in his presence. I’m so looking forward to Spring..

I arrived at the cafe a few minutes early. I wanted to be the first one there so I’d have a chance to sort out my emotions, alone. I quickly spotted and sat at a quiet spot, away from prying eyes even though I knew this establishment had the reputation of respecting his patrons’ privacy. The place was deserted which was good but probably because everyone else was smart enough to stay in bed under warm blankets on such a cold winter afternoon.

Not even 5 minutes after I’d settled in my seat he walked in. The wind was blowing...The hair was different, much shorter than I remembered but the childlike smile and ADHD look at me now attitude was still the same. And le style…Burberry Prorsum Men FW2014 “Cathedral” sweater, fitted black denim highlighting all the right..angles. Burberry huh? The irony wasn’t lost on me. Even when we can’t try…I must confess my heart skipped a bit. Like I’d said before old habits die hard that’s why we have to murder them! Today will be the final duel, to the death. figuratively of course, I’m not trying to go to jail over this! He sat across from me, sunglasses still in place, devilishly enticing smile, flawless skin. Wait what? Girl Focus! Taking advantage of any opportunity, any moment of weakness masterminded or otherwise,  he went for my left hand. As soon as his fingers brushed my knuckles, I retreated and tucked it safely in my coat pocket. No touching. I’m not falling for that one again…

“Hey..No hello? I thought a shake would be more respectful than a hug. I can’t even hold your hand?” Hmm. No. A for efforts but no f-ing way.

“Hi, shall we order, miss?” trying to keep a smile on and hiding my trembling lips was exhausting!

“By the way, you look beautiful..Love always had a way of making you glow. I know that better than anyone..” Here we go..Not even 10 minutes. Shameless.

Amazingly enough within half an hour all tension was out the window and we fell back into our comfortable place, our bubble sans the romance of course. Only him had the ability to make me feel crazy and happy, like songs such as Disturbia, Stay and Diamonds were written about us.

It sure was nice and cozy on such a chilly Sunday afternoon. More like early evening now. Where did the time go? Oh well, It was time to part and I had the difficult task of telling him that I could never meet with him like this again. No false hope. A clean break, forever this time. At least I am not putting it in a song a la Taylor Swift..He insisted on walking me half way. The streets were much darker, quieter, and deserted even though it was only 630pm so I let him. As we walked past a familiar small street, he suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled me into it. Before I could react my back was against a wall, his hands cupping my face, almost immediately his lips met mine. he kissed me softly, tenderly. Without thinking (I) my lips kissed him back. What are you doing?? As soon as the thought crossed my mind I shoved him away from me and punched him.

“What do you think you are doing?” I yelled at him. licking his bleeding lip he retorted:

“Kissing you, and from the looks of it, you were kissing me back too”  the SOB was actually smiling. He took a step toward me.

“I swear if you come any closer, I’d bust your b**** with this knee. The arrogance! You still don’t get it do you?? I am over you, don’t let this fool you, it was just a reflex, a physical thing. The way He makes me feel is the way a MAN loves a woman, he is not a BOY that’s you!Why do you think I never “claimed” you? Are you kidding me, the embarrassment! Guess what I wish you and I never existed. Stay the f*ck away from me and out of my life” Ignoring his hurt and shocked face I hurried home. I didn’t stop until I slammed the front door behind me, collapsed on the floor and wept.

The next day I received a very “interesting” article in my inbox. Wow. well I did say I wish we never existed so he erased me all together and hit below the belt. The haters are going to love this..